My Life Is Funny

I know there are those that face pitfalls daily in life. My life does not present any challenges. Maybe it would be better if it did. I suffer another fate. My life is funny.

In my little sphere of existence on this planet the very goofiest things seem to befall me. When I complain to my Bride about this, she just laughs and says she loves me. So, no help or understanding from my soul mate.

Three years back my Bride and I were in an auto accident. We suspect the driver was texting and rear-ended our 91 Crown Victoria Lead Sled. The damage to the car was minimal but to this day the Bride suffers neck pain to varying degrees.

Frequently at bedtime, to help relieve her, I put an ointment on her neck and shoulders that help the muscles. This is a Ben-Gay like substance, you know, you can tell by the smell that you imagine you’ve just entered the Geriatric Ward at the local Nursing Home.

The Wife always provides me with “wipes” that are SUPPOSED to remove all foreign material. Don’t ask me why but I can use the wipes, vigorously wash my hands or wipe my hands with a towel. It doesn’t matter, something seems to remain on my digits.

So now, we’re in bed, it’s getting late and you know how it is, you have occasionally a need to rub your tired eyes. Now the substance that was used on my Wife’s neck and shoulders happily finds itself inside my eyelids.

No matter the precaution, I end up with ointment eyes and if they burned a little before, well they’re burning pretty darn good by now.

As mentioned, no matter the precaution I end up with ointment eyes.

But being one always seeking shortcuts and time saving in my life, I tell my Wife when she hands me the ointment to wait until I rub some directly into my eyes. It’s going to happen, why not get it over with!

Or perhaps a dab directly to the eyeballs! What a timesaver! And you know what, I think I feel an itch down below. Nothing like introducing another sensitive body part to the joy of burning flesh!

What the hell?

A little more than two years ago my Dad-in-law went to heaven. Due to my own medical issues and my Bride being unable to continue as a Beautician, we were on the verge of having to live in our car.

The passing of a loved one should not be viewed as opportune but here was my elderly Mother-in-law, being all alone in a three bedroom home and needing a caregiver. That worked out perfectly so we shrunk our belongings to the bare minimum and moved into our new two room residence.

Mom-in-law hits the bedroom around nine p.m. so, as not to create noise in the adjoining living room, we move to our bedroom/living room. Yep, the bed serves as our living room furniture in the after hours.

There are plusses and minuses to this arrangement because a king size bed cannot never offer the same creature comforts as a good recliner.

So, doubling as a living room it’s just not unusual for me to snack in the evening. I’m about 280 lbs so I have a reputation to uphold!

Eating on a bed offers more of a challenge than eating in a chair. I end up leaning against the pillows, and use a bib to make sure my clothing remains clean. But, by golly no matter what I do to prevent it, food seems to find it’s way onto my shirt.

I’ve had sandwiches fall apart in my hands with a mayonnaise-laden hunk of bread fall square onto my shirt, missing the bib. It’s funny but despite precautions, food gravitates to my chest. I figure it’s some kind of dark energy forces at work whereby foodstuffs are mystically attracted to my apparel.

This is real hell for a diabetic as when I go to the Doctor and try to tell him I’ve eaten sensibly, he’ll take one look at my shirt menu and claim, “Best lay off the cheese dogs, Son”.

Last but far from least, my Bride and I share the small bathroom in the middle of our two room empire. I don’t know hold old the toilet is, looks brand new, but it is small. The bowl and seat that is.

It must have been designed by a female because on a seat this small it ignores the fact that the women’s equipment is on the inside and the man’s equipment is on the outside. For a man to complete both functions that are typical, you slide to the rear of the seat for the number one function and slide to the front for the number two function. If both functions occur at the same time……well, Houston, we have a problem!

So see, my life is funny!

Update: 1/29/2012
Same bathroom as above. I’m getting out of the shower, grab the towel off the rack and when drying my left leg the end of the towel dips into the toilet bowl! Now do you believe me?

 

CGK